Sunday, 15 February 2015

The Artist's Way Check-in week 3

End of week three and I have to say, I have felt terrible this week - as per my little tantrum post on Thursday! I have done all my morning pages - I have had a couple of "guh, do I want to do them this morning?" but they have proved invaluable for my wellbeing - I think if I'd skipped them, I would have really struggled. My anxiety has been particularly difficult to get under control. My pages this week have ranged from the very mundane to angry and sad - a lot is coming to the surface at the moment. I know, in my experience, that when embarking on a course or a project such as this I tend to slump at around this point - when things begin shifting - and have a bit of a panic and a meltdown. I'm taking it as a good thing...(??!!?!)

Whilst I haven't had the burst of writing I had last week, things are starting to seem possible. I've taken a couple of baby steps towards things I never thought possible, or didn't allow myself to think possible. Despite my panics, I am actually beginning to solidify some confidence in what I can do and what I can create. I have gotten some sorting done and plans for more, and now I feel like I WILL be able to see the project through as opposed to just fantasising, sighing, and resigning myself to "eh, I'll never actually do that." I really went about setting a running order for my fundraiser, I told my friend I was interested in collaborating on some workshops with her, I made some notes on a song to choreograph to - lots of little first-steps.

I sort of accidentally did my artist's date this week, and my week became such that my arranged time for an artist's date became taken up by something else - so HOORAY another artist's date but I'm not sure I can claim credit! I ended up with a couple of hours to myself so I went to the Southbank Centre, lounged on a sofa and spent some time people watching and writing a poem for the King Lear programme. I feel a great enjoyment in the writing in a way that isn't pressurised or stressful - I'm much more open to going "Ok, I'm not quite happy with that bit, but let's move on - I'll take a fresh look at it later and something better will come." It feels much more natural, an expression rather than an exertion. It was great being in a space that was at once quiet and full of people - I sat where there was a kind of gentle bustle, it was very soothing.

In terms of synchronicity - which I have to say, the concept of which I'm not sure I really understand - I have found myself thinking, "ah, that worked out well" on several occasions, just in the trivial, everyday comings and goings, and one or two bigger, happy coincidences too.

One of the things I got very fed up with this week was people constantly suggesting that the root of my anxiety/depression lies in my "difficult" choice of career.  I come across it often when I try to tell people I'm not feeling well and they go "well, you have chosen a difficult lifestyle" like that explains away everything - I deal with rejection incredibly well, I think. I do auditions, then forget about them, I've made it a habit, I promised myself early on that I'd never put all my eggs in one basket, I vowed that I'd not tear myself up over "why aren't I getting jobs" and that aspect of my career is not difficult to deal with for me. It's an easy handle for people, and I lost patience with the things I AM struggling with being brushed under the rug because people think they know. Acting is just freelancing. Thousands of people freelance, and face the same rejection.
One thing I am finding difficult is being lonely - something that has cropped up over and over in the last few weeks of morning pages and exercises is how much I'd like to meet a close companion or partner to share my life experiences with. It's not something I have any experience of at all, which I feel horribly ashamed about, and I have a lot of insecurity about the way I'd be in a relationship like that, whether or not I'd be a good and loving partner. It's difficult because It's not the sort of thing you can force or arrange - you can only do so much. I feel if I did meet someone I'd have so many worries about how I should be behaving and not knowing how I should be feeling that I'd just mess it all up, and that's a pretty distracting thing to have at the back of your mind when you're trying to get to know someone.

Once again, I am looking forward to doing more work - especially eager to move forward from this difficult week - and seeing what comes of the next lot of exercises. I will probably also try and go back, collect some important points from previous exercises, to refresh and remind me of what I have learned.

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