Well! Two weeks later, I'm eventually at the end of week Four. I am gaining so much more clarity in terms of what it is my life is made of - I'm slowly losing the sense that there is too much going on, that I can't achieve what I want - I can see more clearly where I want to be, where I WILL be in a few years time.
Once again I completed all my morning pages. At first I tend to think "Ugh this takes so long, they're not doing anything" and then I get past the superficial talk of how tired I am and the things I'm grumpy about, and get to some big realisations about how I really feel about things. It's such a relief to be able to write like that and not have anyone want to look at it or analyze it, or even to know I don't have to read it back myself.
I didn't do an artist's date, for I am a naughty human. I did try to give myself time to have some peace - quiet walks without music in (limiting music was part of my reading deprivation), keeping my train journeys for watching out of the window instead of working, and I have noticed a big shift in my attitude to the need for peaceful time in my day. It was a long and stressful week but I don't think I got as wound up as I would have normally done - I felt more aware of why I was feeling down or anxious and thus was able to address it straight away.
I'm going to start to eat better. That was my "thing that I haven't changed yet." It's a comfort thing, it's an insecurity thing, it's a fear-of-nothing-changing thing, but I am so fed up of never feeling completely physically well. I had a lot of "I can't do this any more" realisations this week, in particular with regard to carrying instruments/stands/costume around on public transport. I am very close do doing my back in and I really can't let myself do that any more. Once I'm able to drive it will be fine - until then I need to think more carefully about what I'm prepared to carry about.
Ah, but the reading deprivation was HARD! I caught myself out SO many times, especially with Facebook, of all the useless things. I do like to read the odd article when they come up. I think what I need to do is allow myself some internet time, 30mins each couple of days perhaps, or even less, simply scrolling and reading buzzfeed articles. If I know there's time set for it, I'll be less inclined to do it.
I cleared out my wardrobe, too, and threw away more than I ever have done before. I am really looking forward to swapping in my winter clothes for summer and buying a couple of new bits too. I just need to throw the bin bag away and I'll be done!